I'm really not interested in talking about the pandemic or its effects on how the world socializes now. It's pretty depressing to think about how none of us have been able to see each other for months and months... and even when I do sneak out to see a couple friends I can't deny the hard pit of guilt at the bottom of my stomach. No matter how much I drink or smoke to relax, I never really feel.... right.

Ok, this blog is starting off on a suuper negative note- I feel like all I do is complain now! So gross and so annoying, but that's kinda the reason why I decided to sit down and start writing. It's April 17th, it's 4:06pm and my eyeliner is smudged all over my face. I can't shake the feeling that my conversations with people have been feeling incredibly empty and shallow. I can hear myself complaining and whining, but when I'm negative I feel like people are actually listening to me. Yet when I talk about something I find weird/funny/interesting, I can sense this bizarre air of disinterest. That's usually the point where the person I'm talking to picks up their phone and shrugs off my crazy idea or question. In times like these I usually get the response:


What the fuck is that about?? I'm not googling it because I'm trying to have a legitimate conversation with you! Get the fuck off your phone and talk to me about monoliths goddammit! Talk to me about your day! I want to hear your opinion, I want to know what you think. And I want to talk about how I feel too! Is that not what it means to have a conversation? Does everything have to revolve around politics and gossip and negativity? Seems like it.If I'm not complaining or gossiping, it feels like I'm competing for attention. And my rival is the fucking internet.

Listen, I know nobody wants to hear me nag about how terrible social media is or how much I hate the iPhone, but lately it's become so rare in my life to have an authentic, focused, interesting conversation with another person that lasts more than 5 minutes. I do have a couple people in my life that are really good at talking and holding a conversation with me (hi Matt and Kurt!!) but I'm STARVING for human interaction! I'm dying for something real, whether that means a deep heart-to-heart in the middle of the night under the stars or contemplating the invention of dino nuggets over a coffee and a crossword puzzle. If I have to compete for someone's attention because of their phone one more time I really do feel like I'm gonna lose my shit. Maybe I need to join an amish community? Ugh but I hate the fashion. Should I start a community of chic amish people? Is that offensive? I don't care. I don't think amish people use the internet.

Anywaysss I'm getting off topic. I just wish I could go back to the types of conversations I was having in middle school. As cringey as some of it was, I remember having so much fun just talking for hours about anything and everything. My friends and I would sit on the swingset for hours, watching the sun set over the soccer field while contemplating fantasy worlds and hypotheticals in Harry Potter and OCs. I genuinely know that I was so much smarter, imaginative and creative back then. We all were.

My recommendations for the day are the Light Phone II, I've been really interested in getting one for myself. It's a super-chic tiny black and white phone that's only used for texts and calls. The only thing holding me back is my Spotify obsession. The second they figure out how to add a music player I'm buying one asap. The company is very glam, they even make a zine about "Going Light"! The coolest.

I also recommend listening to OOHYO on Spotify, specifically her song "Honey Tea". So good and such beautiful production. Don't you just love Korean singers paired with acoustic guitar? Magic! I made a calming rainy-day kpop playlist this week to get me through the nor'easter. It actually snowed in Boston yesterday! Cruel world.

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